Tuesday 21st August 2018 (trigger warning)
Well thus far this week has been awful. Crying myself to sleep and nightmares every time I close my eyes. For most people seasonal depression is a winter time occurrence but for me it seems to start around April, and end October. I'm finding myself craving company but also not, it's a horrible dilemma. The swirling blackness inside my brain keeps teasing release only to pull me further inside, cruelly joking at the metaphorical sunrise. Those previously buried thoughts of harming myself beginning to emerge as though they were hibernating.
Self harm has always been a ultimate worst case, break incase of emergency coping mechanism. but recently it's been more of a pick me up, the ol' hurt myself to see if I still feel schtick. I feel betrayed by my brain and my self sabotaging thoughts, the fight or flight instinct toying with the idea of going to Philly to avoid my problems. Buying stuff I don't need to mask the pain. Borderline is no joke and mix it with severe depressive and anxiety disorders it's a powder keg. I know something needs to change but I'm not sure what, or maybe I need more human interaction. That one is a given, apart from seeing my Grandparents and doctor it's been a good three months since I've done something sociable.
Perhaps I'll make myself a list of goals I need to achieve? I had this before with my therapist where every time I did something new or scary like going out I got to reward myself with something from the list. Perhaps by the time new year rolls around I'll be somewhat resembling the old Joey.
Self harm has always been a ultimate worst case, break incase of emergency coping mechanism. but recently it's been more of a pick me up, the ol' hurt myself to see if I still feel schtick. I feel betrayed by my brain and my self sabotaging thoughts, the fight or flight instinct toying with the idea of going to Philly to avoid my problems. Buying stuff I don't need to mask the pain. Borderline is no joke and mix it with severe depressive and anxiety disorders it's a powder keg. I know something needs to change but I'm not sure what, or maybe I need more human interaction. That one is a given, apart from seeing my Grandparents and doctor it's been a good three months since I've done something sociable.
Perhaps I'll make myself a list of goals I need to achieve? I had this before with my therapist where every time I did something new or scary like going out I got to reward myself with something from the list. Perhaps by the time new year rolls around I'll be somewhat resembling the old Joey.
What are you doing tomorrow then?
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